The List

Today I realized that I have a lot of things about myself that I hate. I believe that everyone has them, however. These are the things that make me doubt myself and keep me from being the person that I want to be; things that it is seriously time to let go of. Because of this I am making a list. It is really long and growing every minute. Some of the things on the list are small, but some of them run pretty deep and are things I have dealt with most of my life. I'm listing them all- big and small.

So here is the task that I have challenged myself with: 1. List everything about myself and in my life that I would like to be different. 2. Carry the list everywhere to remind me of the things I am working on during the day. 3. Pray about the list daily. 4. When I have dealt with and resolved each and every item I will burn the list and move on.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet. And everyone has things in their life they would like to be different. I think anyone could benefit from this. I challenge you to join me.

Praying For A Voice

This morning in church I had a flashback. It wasn't just a memory that gently floats into your head. It was real; like time travel. I will get back to the flashback in a minute. There are some important elements of this story that you must understand first. 

Ever since I have been old enough to speak, the one thing that has given me more joy than anything else has been music. When I open my mouth and begin to sing, any stress just falls to the floor and I suddenly get a sense of stability that I can't get from anything else in my life. Singing is not a talent that I have always had, however... back to my flashback.

The year was 2003. It was the Thanksgiving season and First Baptist Church's youth group was working on a Christmas musical. The music minister was starting to give out solos, and I wanted one more than anything. Imagine my dismay when I did not get one. The next day my mom informed me (just like any parent who loves their child who is not musically talented should) that I was not a good singer. First of all, for this I am extremely thankful. Had it not been for my mom, I could have ended up on American Idol, sounding terrible and arguing with the judges about the level of my talent. It was a harsh realization, and I was literally depressed for weeks.

I didn't know what to do. I had just been informed that the one thing in my life that I loved to do more than anything was no longer an option. So I prayed daily. "Dear Lord, I know I should be thankful for all the things that you have gifted me with, but if I could just ask for one more thing..."

I believe from the core of my being that, for whatever reason, God answered my prayer. Singing didn't come over night, and it took a ton of hard work, but over the course of the past few years a somewhat decent voice has emerged. I thank God for that. Even though I am the world's biggest screwup, I still know He is working things together for good.

...and If You Have Trouble The Warranty Says, "Breathe In. Breathe Out. Move On."

According to Websters...

let– verb

1.	to allow or permit

go– verb 

1.	to move or proceed, esp. to or from something:

Therefore, in essence, to let go would be to allow or permit [someone] to proceed to [a goal].

During the course of my life I have always considered myself an expert at letting go. After all, I've moved about seven times. However, today I have found myself facing something that I'm having trouble letting go of. As life is changing so rapidly right now, I'm having trouble letting go of people that have meant so much to me for so long. I think my greatest fear has been fueled by the misconception that to let go and to lose are synonymous. To me, to lose means the same as to fail. I think I have just realized that I couldn't have been further from the truth. 

Growing up, when my family would move from one place to another, letting go was simple- necessary even. It's not hard to let go when there are no other options. Now, I am learning that I apparently know nothing about the art of letting go. I now realize how all the friends from my past would feel as I broke the news of my impending relocation and then left them behind. This feeling sucks.

I also realized that while I have been refusing to let go, I have only been inhibiting myself. People grow up, and as we do, we move on. Although this is nowhere near easy, it's necessary. "According to my watch the time is now, the past is dead and gone. Don't try to explain it, just bow your head. Breathe in. Breathe out. Move on." -Jimmy Buffett